Fear

I was always an imaginative child. Whenever my parents sent me to my room as an act of punishment, I was never upset about it. I'd simply close my door and enter my imaginary world where I was in full control. Nothing could hurt me and if I didn't like something, I'd change it. As I got older, I noticed that the term imagination was used in reference to children, but I still possessed the ability to venture off into my world of fantasy and not come back until I was ready. I never knew why I loved my created world so much, and honestly, I didn't care. It was simply another aspect of my personality that made me unique.

Over the years, I've started thinking about what I want to do with my life. But every time I get frustrated trying to find an answer, I just slip back into my fantasy world until I'm ready to come out. It wasn't until last night that I finally realized why my imagination had grown as I got older and not diminished. One day I would have to decide how serious I was about this writing thing. If it was a joke or some hobby, then I could write anything and just hand it to family and friends. But, if I wanted to do this on a serious level, my imagination would have to be of some use. My only obstacle was (and still is) fear.

Fear can sometimes be a good thing. Am I serious or not? Will I let fear stop me or will I jump over it and use it as a driving force? Throughout my life, my fantasies have been my own and no one else's. But when I think of putting those thoughts, my thoughts, my secret world on paper for everyone or even one person to read, the wall of fear rises and says, "Stay where you are." So this is my hurdle that I must jump over and use as a driving force. It's time to stop talking and start writing.

I Never Thought It would Happen

Oh my gosh! I can’t believe it’s happened to me! Me, of all people. Wait…I think I need to tell you about my past before I hit you with this. Throughout my life, I’ve had pets. First there was Bo-Bo. Now, I’ve never actually met Bo-Bo because he was a part of the family before I was born, but I’ve heard so much about this dog that I feel like he was a part of my life. Bo-Bo was this ginger colored cocker spaniel who my parents refer to as their first child. When my sister was born, Bo-Bo practically babysat her! That’s how much he was loved! And from the time I was born, I have always heard stories about the magnificent Bo-Bo. Then there was Claire. Claire was this frisky mutt who tore up the house. My sister and I couldn’t handle her, so my parents had to give her away. Next came Frenchy, my very first cat. I quickly realized how much my mother loved me because she HATES cats! They’re too wild, too playful, too independent, and too unpredictable. You never know what they’ll do next. And my mother allowed me to have one anyway (thanks mom). Unfortunately, after a series of Frenchy hiding under the bed and scratching my mom’s ankles whenever she passed, my parents decided that THE CAT HAD TO GO! Bye Bye Frenchy. Then came Wendy (our second try at a cat who later got ran over by our neighbor). After this, my family stuck to dogs and a bird. And I had the best! Mitch (my German Shepard) and Peagan (my parakeet) were the best pets ever and I miss them all the time. Oh, I must mention that we have a new addition to the family. Welcome cocker spaniel (again) Zoey (he's one)!

So after a lifetime of pets, I figured that I was simply not a cat person…until I met Chloe. Chloe is my roommates’ cat that is kind of like my niece. Well, my roommate’s moving in with her boyfriend and Chloe cannot stand him (I won’t even get into that one). A few weeks ago my roommate told me that she was looking for a home for Chloe, and that’s when I felt it. This hot sting rose up in me at the thought of someone else taking funny, mischievous, crazy Chloe. So now I’m thinking of taking her. Somehow, the universe has flipped upside down because I'm falling for cats! At first I had no idea how to even pet cats and now I’m feeling torn. Everyone I’ve met either likes cats or dogs, but not both! Honestly, is it possible to be a cat and dog person?

Am I ready for this?

I DON'T KNOW! That seems to be my answer to everything. "What are you going to do with your life?" I DON'T KNOW! "Your lease runs out soon, where are you moving?" I DON'T KNOW! "You have two degrees now, where would you like to work?" I DON'T KNOW! Even if I have an answer to the question, I'll still say "I DON'T KNOW!" Now, I can only guess what you're thinking. I should have some idea of where my life is going by now, and you know what, you're right. I'm writing a book, teaching, and I'm working on a new project that will hopefully be successful. I'm even excited about not knowing what my future holds. I finally get the chance to explore areas of my life that I've always thought about, which I've never been able to do.

Throughout college and grad school, I obeyed professors, kept my ideas to myself, and let opportunities come to me. But now, I get to create my own opportunities, which gives me an adrenaline rush I can't even describe! But nobody told me what it would feel like when the reality of life hits. For the first time, I don't have a place to go. There's no automatic plan for me. This is it. Anything I want from here on out, I have to get, and it terrifies me! Am I up to the challenge? Will I even make it out the door, or crawl back to mommy and daddy (if they'll take me)? The answer: Yes I'm up for the challenge and if I go to mommy and daddy, it'll be for a visit. But for now, I'll make my plans and if I start to question myself like I've done so many times in my life, I'll take a deep breath and move forward!